MISTAKE
by Sensei Robert Joshin Althouse (c) 2006

"A monk once asked Unmon, 'The radiance serenely illuminates the whole vast universe...'
Before he could finish the first line,
Unmon suddenly interrupted, 'Aren't those the words of Chosetsu Shusai?'
The monk replied, 'Yes, they are.'
Unmon said, 'You have slipped up in the words.'
Afterwards, Zen Master Shishin brough the matter up and said,
'Tell me, at what point did he slip?' "

from Case 39 of the Gateless Gate

People are often afraid of making mistakes. It is not uncommon for people to tell me they are afraid to take the precepts because the fear not being able to keep them. Of course they won't keep them. No one does. Our sense of inadequacy and lack of trust in our own basic sanity creates both a fear of failure and a hesitation in making any further commitments.

Here in this case, a monk quotes another person's words and Unmon stops him short, saying he's slipped up. So where did this monk go wrong? He quoted the person correctly word for word. How did he slip up?

When I did my head monk training at Zen Mountain Center I was preparing to give a dharma talk for the final dharma combat at the end of my training. This was an important rite of passage for me, and I was nervous about giving the talk. Weeks before the event, I began researching dharma books, constructing a talk that I hoped would impress others and sound resonable wise and sagacious. But a few nights before the event, I went back to my cabin after a full day of sesshin, looked at my carefully constructed talk, written down on paper and thought, "this is bullshit!". So I tore the paper up in disgust and threw it away.

The next morning, during zazen, I was furious with myself. "How did you get yourself into this pickle?" Now I had nothing written down on paper, now prepared talk and I had no idea what I would say at this point. I was so nervous, I was feeling sick.

After morning zazen, we went down to the Buddha Hall for morning service. As we stood there chanting the Heart Sutra, I broke down weeping. My anger shifted to this deep sadness. I had no idea where this had come from, but I just went with it. I sobbed deeply through the whole service. When I walked out of the Buddha Hall, I felt grounded and at ease. I knew at that moment, my talk would go fine, because I would simply talk about my own experience.

We can become too tight and rigid in our practice, doing everything with precision and correctness, careful not to make any mistakes. But this is a kind of mistake. So there is a mistake and there is no mistake. This is our Zen way.

We say be one with the buddha, dharma and sangha. That means trust your life as it is. Don't imitate someone else. That's a mistake. Awake as you are, enjoy and appreciate this moment as it is. It will never come again.

There is a saying in Zen that "You can't step in the same river twice." Second-guessing yourself leads to hesitancy and pulling back from the waters of life. When you put your foot in the river, it is a simple act. Direct. Intimate. Your foot is wet. Where is the mistake?